What to do at the 3am wake
A short decision tree for the middle of the night, when you have no capacity to decide anything.
Read →Guides
Written to be read one-handed, in the dark, at speed. Start anywhere.
What happens between bedtime and morning, and what to do at 3am.
A short decision tree for the middle of the night, when you have no capacity to decide anything.
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Usually one of four causes. Work through them in order instead of changing everything at once.
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Not a fault to fix. The surfacing is normal - what varies is whether they can get back down through it.
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The deepest sleep of the night sits right after bedtime. Fix that stretch before anything else.
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Almost always the last wake window rather than the temperament. How to tell which way it is wrong.
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An hour of good-natured party in the middle of the night. Usually too much daytime sleep, not a confused body clock.
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The eyes open as the mattress touches their back. It is about sleep depth and temperature, not luck.
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Down at seven, screaming at half past. Usually not enough sleep pressure at bedtime - but check both directions.
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Ranges, not averages. The average is the least useful number anyone will give you.
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A ladder of help, from the smallest thing to the biggest. Start at the bottom rung, not the top.
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A learned pattern, not a verdict on either parent. It takes about two weeks to undo.
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Three different things that look alike at 1am. They behave differently and need opposite responses.
Read →Wake windows, short naps, and the day that sets up the night.
Rough ranges by age, and the tired signs worth trusting more than the clock.
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Exactly one sleep cycle, and they wake unhappy. The cause is nearly always the window before the nap.
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Signs it's actually time, and the two-week bridge that keeps bedtime from falling apart.
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Not a bad habit, and not a life sentence either. How to move one nap without losing the rest.
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They count. They are not all equally restorative, and one nap a day is worth keeping still.
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It takes weeks, not days. The bridge matters far more than the date you start.
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It usually arrives earlier than parents expect, and leaves a hole in the late afternoon.
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There is a point in the afternoon after which a nap costs more than it gives. How to find yours.
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Day and night draw on the same budget. Brilliant naps and terrible nights are usually one problem.
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A nap that vanishes overnight is usually a developmental leap, not readiness to drop it.
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Darkness helps, and it has a price. Where that trade is worth making and where it isn’t.
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Order matters more than times. How to run a predictable day without living by a timer.
Read →What is normal right now, month by month, without the comparison spiral.
The body clock has not started. Looking for a routine now costs you effort and gains nothing.
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Melatonin arrives and the day starts having a shape. What to anchor, and what is still too early.
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A real improvement, and a lull before the four-month rebuild. What to put in place now.
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Not a regression. The architecture of sleep changes permanently, and everything downstream adjusts.
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Predictability appears, unevenly. Enough to plan around, not enough to schedule.
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Plenty becomes physiologically possible. None of it becomes compulsory, including sleeping through.
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It shows up at night before it shows up in the day, and it changes what bedtime needs.
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They stand up in the cot and cannot work out how to get down. New skills get rehearsed at night.
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They refuse the morning nap and everyone concludes it is time for one. Usually it is not.
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When the transition is genuinely happening, and how to get through the weeks it takes.
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The protests are about autonomy rather than sleep. Which changes what actually works.
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The ranges, and why the average is the least useful number in the table.
Read →The weeks it falls apart - four months, eight months, and the ones nobody warns you about.
Sleep gets lighter and more adult-shaped around now. What to hold steady while it settles.
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The word is misleading. Nothing regresses - something new arrives and sleep pays for it.
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Motor skills, separation anxiety and a nap transition arrive together. Fix them in order.
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Nap refusal at a year is nearly always a leap, not readiness for one nap. Changing the schedule now costs you weeks.
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Autonomy, molars and a language explosion at the same time. Firmness helps; negotiation does not.
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One needs more food, the other needs a steady schedule. Treating one as the other rarely helps.
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Each new skill costs a fortnight of sleep. Which one breaks what, and how to shorten it.
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A developmental stage, not a habit you created. It comes in waves and it responds to rehearsal.
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Nobody can give you a date. There are signs you are coming out, and they arrive before the good nights do.
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Before you call it a regression, rule out the four things that look exactly like one.
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You do not change course in a storm. What is safe to adjust, and what will cost you a month.
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The disruption passed and the habits stayed. Unpick them in order, one at a time.
Read →Where feeding and sleep actually conflict, and how to change it slowly.
Feeding at night and longer stretches aren't opposites. Where they actually conflict.
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A two-week taper, who does which wake, and how to stop if it feels wrong.
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Not inherently. It only becomes one if it stops working for you - and there is a test for that.
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Move the feed rather than remove it. Two to four weeks, and nobody is left to cry.
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A narrow window where they work well, and a wide one where they cost more than they give.
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Honest ranges, and why age on its own is the weakest of the criteria.
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Supply, engorgement and the other parent’s role - the three things that make this different.
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Volume reduction is measurable, which makes this the more predictable version of the job.
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The belief that solids fix sleep is durable and largely unsupported. What does change is worth knowing.
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Hours of near-constant feeding between five and ten. Normal, temporary, and routinely mistaken for low supply.
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When reflux is in play, sleep is downstream. Treat the reflux first - and never by propping the cot.
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Ten trips a night to put it back in. Either remove it or teach them to find it - both work.
Read →The methods, honestly compared - including the ones we do not use.
A skill that develops, not a character trait - and not a synonym for being left to cry.
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What each one promises, what it costs, and who it suits. Including the ones we do not use.
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It works, and it is fast, and we still do not use it. The reasoning, without judging anyone who does.
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The most predictable of the gentle methods, provided you do not rush the steps.
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Highly responsive, physically demanding, and effective in a narrower age window than people expect.
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The most hands-on option, best under eight months, and useful as a bridge to less help.
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Presence as the baseline, with participation dialled down over time - and the trap that comes with it.
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Four nights minimum, and here is the reason the first two tell you nothing at all.
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Different cries sound different and need different responses. And your own limit counts.
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You are not changing the method. You are moving where sleep begins, a few centimetres at a time.
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Undone by handing over the easy wakes first, and by the favoured parent staying out of the room.
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It usually has not stopped working. The wake window moved, and the method is being blamed for it.
Read →The room, the cot, the temperature, and the rules that are not negotiable.
The one area where there is no “we decided to do it differently”. Six rules, and the reasons behind them.
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Overheating carries more risk than being slightly cool. How to check, and what the numbers mean.
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Useful in the early weeks, and it stops at the first sign of rolling. That deadline has no exceptions.
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One arm at a time over about a week. Start before you have to, not after you find them rolling.
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Dark helps, and it costs you flexibility. Which of those matters more depends on your week.
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Genuinely useful at the right volume and distance. Both of those are commonly got wrong.
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An empty cot is not austerity. Every item added is a suffocation or entrapment risk.
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Six months at least, in their own cot. The reasoning, and the practical difficulties nobody mentions.
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Do it in a calm fortnight, not during a leap. And prepare the room before the baby.
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Moving early breaks more sleep than it fixes. The signal to move is climbing out, not a birthday.
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Stagger the bedtimes rather than separating the children. And wait until the baby sleeps first.
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Carry the conditions with you rather than fighting the room. Four things are worth the luggage space.
Read →When it is not a sleep problem, and when to stop troubleshooting and call someone.
How to loosen things for a few days and come back without starting over.
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Teeth rarely explain weeks at a time. If it has run a month, it is something else.
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Breathing and fluids come first. The schedule goes on hold, and that is the correct decision.
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One or two unsettled nights is usual. Do not change anything about the plan for it.
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Treat the reflux and the sleep follows. And never, under any circumstances, tilt the cot.
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Pain gets worse lying down, which is why it presents as a baby who was fine all day.
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Clear thresholds by age, and the signs that mean calling someone now rather than in the morning.
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Three or four nights, if you start promptly. Longer the more you delay.
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Sleep cannot be fixed while they are itching. Treat the skin and the nights follow.
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Regular snoring in a baby is not normal. It is one of the few things here that always warrants an appointment.
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A wake at the same time every night, with drawn-up legs, is often digestive rather than behavioural.
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You have tried everything and nothing works. That itself is a signal. Here is the list to check.
Read →Time zones, daycare, moving house, clock changes, a new sibling.
What to keep identical when everything else changes, and how long the reset takes.
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You can't control their room. Here's what to change at home instead.
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Before, during and after. Choosing the flight time is the decision that matters most.
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Recovery takes roughly as long as the disruption did. Start on night one rather than easing in.
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Do nothing, or shift by fifteen minutes over a week. Which suits depends on your baby, not on the clock.
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The first weeks are worse. That is adaptation rather than a broken routine, and it has a timetable.
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Pack the nursery last and unpack it first. Everything else can live in boxes for a week.
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The older child’s sleep regression is about attention, not sleep. Which changes what fixes it.
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The conditions matter more than the opinions. Bring the first and have a sentence ready for the second.
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One late night costs almost nothing if you know what to do the next day. Here is the price list.
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Hold two anchors and let the rest go. Trying to hold everything is how the whole week collapses.
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Start with one anchor, not with everything. Rebuilding the whole thing at once is why it fails.
Read →Your own sleep debt, splitting the night, and getting yourself back.
Four ways to divide the night, and how to decide without a 2am negotiation.
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What broken nights do to you, and the small things that give back the most rest.
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The advice is annoying because it is unworkable as stated. Here is the version that isn’t.
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Concrete rotas for different situations, including one that keeps breastfeeding intact.
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What to move in the fortnight before, what to leave until after, and what to abandon entirely.
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The exhaustion is doing the arguing. Knowing that does not fix it, and it changes what you do about it.
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A plan with no “ask your partner” in it. What to simplify, and where help actually exists.
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Sleep loss and postnatal illness feed each other. Both are treatable, and there is a number to call.
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Holding the whole routine in your head is work. It can be written down and handed over.
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A filter for what is worth listening to, and permission to stop explaining yourself.
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A predictable bedtime returns an evening faster than perfect nights do. And it is easier to achieve.
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The nights improved weeks ago and you still feel terrible. That lag is real, and it is expected.
Read →Answer ten questions and get a plan written for your baby and your household.
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